Looking up, I see how beautiful the architecture of the Clinton is. The ballroom is highlighted by high ceilings, pillars with corinthian capitals, and tall windows looking out onto State Street. The entire room is white, and the huge chandeliers cast a warm cream glow upon the walls. The air has the sweet, forest scent of the bouquets set upon shining candelabras, making my wedding just as I have imagined it in my dreams.

I look out into the crowd and a thicket of faces returns my warm gaze. Sitting front and center are my sons. The three musketeers are matching in black suits and crimson ties, each with a single rose on their jackets. They look so handsome and mature. These young men are handling merging families with outstanding readiness and ability. They– one the competitor, one the creator, and one the controller– help me stand here with pride.
Our new family is a plant that has somehow flowered in the ruins of abusive parents. Not even one of the five of us has escaped some sort of abuse from our parents, and yet somehow we are here, sharing our lives with one another. My son has a different mother, her sons have a different father, and yet somehow love has been cultivated between them.

My son, the creator, locks eyes with me. I have noticed a subtle restlessness within him from the day I met him. He has been tense, almost nervous. Looking at him now, with a huge grin on his face, his shoulders completely relaxed, and without a worry in the world, I understand why. He has been waiting for this day. He has been waiting for us to make our family official.
The rabbi continues to read the vows, and as the moment draws closer I smile. I imagine the crows feet on my face deepen and the grooves of my face soften. Rocking slightly back and forth in anticipation, I hear the clack of my Dockers heels gently strike the carpeted wood altar.

I look back at my soon-to-be wife. She is beautiful. The stylist has brushed a light coat of makeup on her, pulled her golden blonde curls into a French twist, and has bedecked her in the most elegant dress I have ever laid eyes on. I haven’t seen her in a day, and in those hours between she became Venus, goddess of beauty. I am still suspicious of what circumstance allowed me to marry such a woman. It must have been that the unrelenting streak of misfortune that made up my life came to an abrupt, screeching halt six years ago when I met her.

I think of the long, tragic journey that has gotten me here. The countless nights spent in New York City bars drinking away the pain are behind me. The road trips to California with the burnt spoons, dirty needles, crushed pills, and blunt razor blades are behind me. The unyielding, agonizing urge to satisfy the addiction and the incredible, religious perseverance it took to defeat it are behind me. But somehow, even after the countless Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and conquering my addiction, blue skies didn’t appear. I went through two failed marriages, years of dating, and was ready to give up on finding a soul-mate until she chanced upon me. Our marriage is the epitome of the adage “third time is the charm.”

When the ghosts of my past exit the room, I realize everyone in the crowd’s expectant gazes are upon me. I look into her hazel eyes and I can see the endless love she holds there, waiting for me to receive and return. I feel the hair on the back of my neck tingle when my voice roars to the room, to the universe “I do.”

This post was submitted by Matt Bianco-Splann

by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles repenting
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair,
Yours, and I will tell you about mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the soft pebbles of rain are moving across the landscapes
Over the prairies and the deep trees
The mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese
High in the clear blue air,
Are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely
The world offers itself to your imagination
Calls to you like the wild geese,
Harsh and exciting-
Over and over announcing
Your place
In the family of things.

Interviewer: How can we get rid of violence in the world?

Chopra: To get rid of violence ask yourself if you are totally nonviolent in every thought, action and behavior of yours. If, today, you can make the commitment that every thought of yours and every behavior of yours is nurturing and loving to your immediate environment, the world would transform because you are the universe. At the most fundamental level you are not separate from it. We give Nobel prizes for peace to people who have no peace in their lives, in their families. You want to create peace? Become a beacon of peace yourself.

Interviewer:What are some the greatest qualities humans possess?

Chopra: Wonder, a sense of mystery. To ask questions. Where did I come from? What is the meaning of my existence? Do I have a soul? What happens when I die? Does God exist and does she care about me? These are the qualities that humans beings have that other animals don’t. Also, the ability to love and the ability to have awareness of our mortality as a body-mind system. We are the only species that is aware of our mortality and with that comes the great desire to look into the unknown. So if you can step into the unknown every moment, and be aware of the great mystery of your existence, than you have realized your humanity. If you’re not totally amazed and bewildered and mystified by yourself then you’re still not fully human.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burns your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

And because I can’t resist, here’s some more:

Your soul is oftentimes a battlefield, upon which reason and your judgement wage war against your passion and your appetite.
Would that I could be the peacemaker in your soul, that I might turn the discord and the rivalry of your elements into oneness and melody.
But how shall I, unless you yourselves be also the peacemakers, nay, the lovers of all your elements?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
IS not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

And if there come the singers and the dances and the flute players – buy of their gifts also.
For they too are gatherers of fruit and frankincense, and that which they bring, though fashioned of dreams, is raiment and food for your soul.

If you don’t own a copy, check it out!

Silence

I want to bottle up all the silence,
that comes with the snow.
And let you listen,
over, and over.
For we only learn,
not when we speak,
but listen.

Life moves at a breathless pace

True Fact: You will get swept up in it. It is inescapable. Shit happens frequently in life, like boulders in a river rapid. You can hit the boulders, or you can attempt to steer around them. Either way, you can learn something from the experience. That is the proper perspective from which one should view life. Every experience should not be looked back on with regret, but instead every experience should be looked at as an opportunity to learn. That way, when you are on your deathbed, you can look back on your life without resentment, while knowing that you have become the wisest you can be.

The System

I have come to a realization. The System is broken. We, the youth, are in a battle against the System, so that we can bring justice to ourselves and others. We realize that there is something that needs fixing and we want, naturally, to fix it. However, this struggle, to fix the problem, is more than just an uphill battle. No, it is an up-cliff battle. We set out to climb the face of the mountain, so that we can reach the summit and tear down the System from the inside out.

We start out on the climb, confident of ourselves and our purpose. But, along the climb, something changes. We begin to see the inner workings of the System. And this new view “enlightens” us. We notice that we can make the System work for ourselves. This series of revelations change us. Our basic human instinct, to look out for our own ass, kicks in, and we no longer care if the System has been unfair to others. By the time we have reached the summit, we are changed people. We know that the System is broken, but we also know that it is survivable, because we survived it. So, we forget our original intent, and admit that the System is the status quo. And we lay down our arms, and we lay down to the System.

Admittedly, this is our failing. We have failed ourselves, our friends, our children, their children, and every generation to follow. The System has been in place before we even recognized it. And it will always be there, oppressing the young and vigorous, and protecting the old and “learned”. There is no way of fighting it, there is no way of stopping it. But, such is the way of the System.


Author’s Comments
I know this seems a wee bit on the depressing side, however I wrote it after I had a very intense and disheartening experience with my campus police. I want this, if anything, to be an inspiration to everyone to strive to fix what is wrong, no matter how insurmountable it may seem.

I often don’t remember what people say.
It’s not that I’m not listening – I’ve been called a pretty good listener, or I like to think I am anyway! It’s rare, however, that I remember exactly what someone says. The feeling of the conversation, yes, but specifics, no. So on the rare occasion that I do,
it is usually a life-shifting earth-shaking sort of phrase. The story behind one of these phrases is a good one, and one that has changed my life into an existence that is more peaceful, faith-filled, and one that can rest in trust that all things are connected.

The story begins like this:

I have traveled to Thailand now three times to study Thai Massage, Meditation, and Yoga. (And I especially like going during the winter to get a dose of sunshine and tropical fruits). My Thai meditation teacher Ouiporn, has created a retreat center (called the International Women’s Partnership for Peace and Justice) around her mother’s home among the rice fields of Mae Rim. I love to sit in my favorite temple there- a small earthen building built by the hands of women from all over the world.

This particular visit I was attending a three day silent retreat on the 8 Versus for Training the Mind. I was attending with one of my Yoga teachers and two friends. The four of us had traveled the 45 or so minute trek from the city of Chiang Mai to Mae Rim together in a Song Tao (a two benched pickup truck taxi). I had been to Ouiporn’s retreat center the winter before and I loved it so much I knew I wanted to return. This winter I emailed Ginger, the other women who helps to run the center, asking if I could extend my stay after the 8 Verses Silent retreat. The response said that they’d love to have me stay – but some other time, because they would be preparing to travel internationally, so “not this time around.”
I was a bit disappointed but made other plans for a place to stay post retreat.

During the retreat, Ouiporn approached me and asked,
“Are you the one that emailed asking to have an extended stay?”
“Yes.” I said.
“OH!! she said, “well, we are going to be traveling soon, but if you wanted to stay for a week or two I could show you where the market is and you’d have to make all your own food, but you are welcome to stay.”
“OH!” surprised, I told her I had already made other plans, but I could potentially stay for a night or two if that would be ok.
“Yes! fine, fine” she said.
“I’ll just have to figure some things out” I told her.

Since this was day two on a three day silent retreat I had a day and a half of silence to
“figure some things out.”
I’ve realized now, when I’m trying “to figure things out” it usually means
“to come up with some obstacles.”

The obstacles to accepting her kind offer for me to stay on were:
1) I wasn’t sure how Ginger felt about my staying on, since she originally sent me the email saying it was not the best time.
2) I didn’t know how I was going to get back since my 3 friends and I had our Song Tao driver picking us up an hour after the retreat ended.
3) I didn’t have any extra money for a return fare or for any other expense that might
pop up.

So the retreat ended, and I lost track of many of my breaths during the final day by trying to “figure things out”. As my friends packed up their things and prepared to leave, I stood by the dining area anxiously hesitating. Ouiporn approached me and asked if I was going to stay.
I shuffled my feet and said “well, I don’t know yet.”
“When is your Song Tao coming?” she asked
“Soon! I said, at 1:00pm.” It was in 45 minutes.
“Ahhhhh!!! she said throwing her had across her face in a kind of “oh thats nothing!” gesture.
“Plenty of time!, not to worry, CONDITIONS WILL ARISE!”
(gasp of inhaled air)
I stood there dumbstruck at how easy and confident she was, and the phrase was so clear –
Conditions will arise.

So, not being able to move, I just sat down.
It felt amazing I just sat up against the outdoor dining area wall watching the birds and flowers and the retreat participants gathering all their things walking back and forth.
I did nothing.
Not a thing.
“Ehhh, Conditions will arise.” I repeated, with confidence.

And in that same seat, without moving an inch, they all did.
First, Sara, my yoga teacher and friend who I was supposed to return to the city with, walked by. I told her about Ouiporn’s offer for me to stay for two more days, but that I didn’t have any Bhat (thai dollars). I asked to borrow 1,000 Bhat and told her I could repay her at her gathering on Saturday. “Sure.” she said, and pulled a 1,000 bill from her pocket and handed it to me.

Second, Ginger walked up to me and said warmly,
“I made up the bed in our office building/guest house by the library, It’s all ready for you, and you are welcome to all the books and the computer”
“OH! thank you!” I said.
She made it obvious that I was welcome.

Finally Ouiporn came over and asked me,
“What day did you want to go back to Chiang Mai?”
“I need to be back for a gathering I agreed to be at on Saturday evening.”
“OH!!! She said,
“I have to go into town to run some errands on Saturday, I can just drive you! – no problem!”
“Wow, Ok then. I’ll be staying! Thank you!”

Dumbfounded at how easy this was, I wrote on the cover of my journal that night “Conditions Will Arise.” This became a mantra and a way of life for me. Figure out less ~ allow conditions to arise more. It takes less energy, and creates less irritation and anxiety to live like this. It is not a mantra allowing for inertia. It is simply a way to get out of my own way. To let the intangible forces around me to work as they need to, I have faith they will, and I have been supported in challenges time after time.

As I sit in my new home now, back in my hometown, with my parents, I remind myself of this wise phrase when I get impatient and frustrated with the speed or way my new life here is unfolding. I now remind myself, “one condition at a time”, and I can have faith, even in this cold snowy February, just as the flowers will soon bud and the sprouts will soon sprout, that conditions will most certainly arise. And in times of challenge, this gives me a little more peace.

When frozen with anxiety or tangled in ‘trying to figure things out’ may you too be inspired to relax and sit down, and trust that conditions will arise. May we all live our moments in peace.